This post may be hard to read for some people.

I knew the moment I lost that baby…

Near the end of January 2015, B and I started talking about having another baby. Well, actually I had been thinking about it for months and wasn’t sure how to bring it up. Then he made a joke about it and I asked if it would really be that bad. We agreed it was time to start trying. But it didn’t happen. For 6 months, each time I was sure I was pregnant, then my period came and went. I couldn’t understand it. With Big H, I had been on birth control when I got pregnant surely getting pregnant without it would be simple. But each month, no baby.

We were getting ready for our August long weekend camping trip when I thought I had better take a test just in case. I wasn’t technically late yet but I didn’t want to spend the weekend drinking only to find out I was pregnant later on. So I took a pregnancy test. I remember asking B, “what if it’s negative?” “Well, then we keep trying.” “But what if it’s positive?!” He laughed and said, “isn’t that what we’re hoping for?” When the test came up positive I remember how excited I was, I couldn’t wait to share the news and took a picture of the test and texted to my best friends immediately.

Oh, what a mistake that was. The first couple weeks were fine. I was extremely nauseous but I didn’t experience any vomiting, so I could at least count my blessings. I was counting down the weeks. Then after a particularly stressful day at work, I woke up bleeding.

The Beginning

I was convinced there was nothing to worry about, I bled with Big H multiple times. But I had better go to the ER just in case. I called my boss and I quickly explained, dropped my kids off at daycare and headed to the Emergency Room.

They got me in right away and did an exam. My cervix was closed. Fantastic news, that is a great sign, but they wanted an ultrasound right away, just to be safe. At this point, I started to relax. I’ve been through this before no big deal, the ultrasound will show everything was fine. So I waited and off to get the ultrasound I went.

I don’t know if they send ultrasound technicians to a class about how to keep a straight face or what but they should be playing poker professionally, their talents are clearly wasted. At the end of my scan, she tells me she can’t see a heartbeat. But not to worry too much because I’m measuring at 6 weeks instead of 10, and that is a tad early to see the heartbeat. She will send it off to the radiologist for his opinion. So back to the waiting room I go.

I wait there for a few hours, during which they give me some blood tests and I kill the battery on my phone. Finally, the report is back, it isn’t good news. They tell me while not yet definitive the chances are not great.

I was going to lose this baby.

I left the hospital, in shock but in tears. B was still at work and he tried everything to reassure me, finally, I went home and had a nap and prayed for good things. At this point, I found a website about misdiagnosed miscarriages, while in my case it wasn’t misdiagnosed it still gave me the hope I needed to get through.

B and I went on our scheduled holiday. We had already purchased travel insurance and he knew I needed to get my mind off of things. We drove to Seattle and back and it was a pretty uneventful trip. I’m glad we went, it was the only thing that kept me sane I’m sure. When we got home I went back to work. I worked a day and a half, at some point during the second day I told my boss I had to go. I just wasn’t feeling too great. At this point, it had been nearly a week of heavy spotting, but with little to no clots so I was still hopeful.

The Miscarriage

That night we went to a community event, and while standing talking to a friend I felt it happen.

I knew the moment I lost that baby. I just looked at her and said: “Go tell B I need to go to the hospital.” She knew. she had been in my shoes before. We left H with my uncle who was there as well and went to the hospital, they confirmed and we went home.

The next day the bleeding only got worse. I was soaking through everything in minutes. At one point I was walking to the bathroom and said: “we’re going to need to go to the hospital when I’m out of the bathroom.” I went to the washroom and everything started spinning, I called for B. He walked into the bathroom to see me in the midst of a seizure.

I had two more while waiting for the ambulance. Another while they were getting me into it, and then twice more at the hospital. I had lost way to much blood.  4 nights and 2 blood transfusions later I was able to go home.

A week later I had an ultrasound to confirm a complete miscarriage and that a D&C wasn’t necessary. Thankfully it wasn’t. Physically I was healed within two weeks. Emotionally I still don’t think I am. Actually, I know I am not. I don’t know if I ever will be. That isn’t something I would wish upon my very worse enemy.

Conceiving after Miscarriage

The only thing I do know is I had to try again, I needed to know that it wasn’t something that I did but something unavoidable. Conceiving Little H took only 3 months. While his pregnancy wasn’t without its own problems he was carried to term.

My story is my own experience and no two people will experience the same. 15-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, please talk to someone.