depression

Nov

2018

My Miscarriage; The Story Of The Loss Of My Baby

This post may be hard to read for some people.

I knew the moment I lost that baby…

Near the end of January 2015, B and I started talking about having another baby. Well, actually I had been thinking about it for months and wasn’t sure how to bring it up. Then he made a joke about it and I asked if it would really be that bad. We agreed it was time to start trying. But it didn’t happen. For 6 months, each time I was sure I was pregnant, then my period came and went. I couldn’t understand it. With Big H, I had been on birth control when I got pregnant surely getting pregnant without it would be simple. But each month, no baby.

We were getting ready for our August long weekend camping trip when I thought I had better take a test just in case. I wasn’t technically late yet but I didn’t want to spend the weekend drinking only to find out I was pregnant later on. So I took a pregnancy test. I remember asking B, “what if it’s negative?” “Well, then we keep trying.” “But what if it’s positive?!” He laughed and said, “isn’t that what we’re hoping for?” When the test came up positive I remember how excited I was, I couldn’t wait to share the news and took a picture of the test and texted to my best friends immediately.

Oh, what a mistake that was. The first couple weeks were fine. I was extremely nauseous but I didn’t experience any vomiting, so I could at least count my blessings. I was counting down the weeks. Then after a particularly stressful day at work, I woke up bleeding.

The Beginning

I was convinced there was nothing to worry about, I bled with Big H multiple times. But I had better go to the ER just in case. I called my boss and I quickly explained, dropped my kids off at daycare and headed to the Emergency Room.

They got me in right away and did an exam. My cervix was closed. Fantastic news, that is a great sign, but they wanted an ultrasound right away, just to be safe. At this point, I started to relax. I’ve been through this before no big deal, the ultrasound will show everything was fine. So I waited and off to get the ultrasound I went.

I don’t know if they send ultrasound technicians to a class about how to keep a straight face or what but they should be playing poker professionally, their talents are clearly wasted. At the end of my scan, she tells me she can’t see a heartbeat. But not to worry too much because I’m measuring at 6 weeks instead of 10, and that is a tad early to see the heartbeat. She will send it off to the radiologist for his opinion. So back to the waiting room I go.

I wait there for a few hours, during which they give me some blood tests and I kill the battery on my phone. Finally, the report is back, it isn’t good news. They tell me while not yet definitive the chances are not great.

I was going to lose this baby.

I left the hospital, in shock but in tears. B was still at work and he tried everything to reassure me, finally, I went home and had a nap and prayed for good things. At this point, I found a website about misdiagnosed miscarriages, while in my case it wasn’t misdiagnosed it still gave me the hope I needed to get through.

B and I went on our scheduled holiday. We had already purchased travel insurance and he knew I needed to get my mind off of things. We drove to Seattle and back and it was a pretty uneventful trip. I’m glad we went, it was the only thing that kept me sane I’m sure. When we got home I went back to work. I worked a day and a half, at some point during the second day I told my boss I had to go. I just wasn’t feeling too great. At this point, it had been nearly a week of heavy spotting, but with little to no clots so I was still hopeful.

The Miscarriage

That night we went to a community event, and while standing talking to a friend I felt it happen.

I knew the moment I lost that baby. I just looked at her and said: “Go tell B I need to go to the hospital.” She knew. she had been in my shoes before. We left H with my uncle who was there as well and went to the hospital, they confirmed and we went home.

The next day the bleeding only got worse. I was soaking through everything in minutes. At one point I was walking to the bathroom and said: “we’re going to need to go to the hospital when I’m out of the bathroom.” I went to the washroom and everything started spinning, I called for B. He walked into the bathroom to see me in the midst of a seizure.

I had two more while waiting for the ambulance. Another while they were getting me into it, and then twice more at the hospital. I had lost way to much blood. 4 nights and 2 blood transfusions later I was able to go home.

A week later I had an ultrasound to confirm a complete miscarriage and that a D&C wasn’t necessary. Thankfully it wasn’t. Physically I was healed within two weeks. Emotionally I still don’t think I am. Actually, I know I am not. I don’t know if I ever will be. That isn’t something I would wish upon my very worse enemy.

Conceiving after Miscarriage

The only thing I do know is I had to try again, I needed to know that it wasn’t something that I did but something unavoidable. Conceiving Little H took only 3 months. While his pregnancy wasn’t without its own problems he was carried to term.

My story is my own experience and no two people will experience the same. 15-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, please talk to someone.

Jan

2018

Sometimes I Struggle #BellLetsTalk A Look into an Anxious Mind

Sometimes I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Not because I didn’t get enough sleep, but because I can’t bear to think about what the day might bring.

Sometimes I struggle with getting dressed. Not because I am in pain, but because I can’t be bothered to care.

Sometimes I struggle with being a mom. Not because I don’t love my kids, but because being a parent is HARD.

Sometimes I struggle with driving my son to school. Not because I don’t want him to go to school, but because I am sure I will get into a car accident.

Sometimes I struggle with grocery shopping. Not because we don’t have the money, but because there are too many people at the store.

Sometimes I struggle with being a good housekeeper. Not because I don’t want a clean house, but because there is not enough time in the day.

Sometimes I struggle with being active. Not because I am lazy, but because I just can’t be bothered.

Sometimes I struggle with being a good friend. Not because I don’t want to see my friends, but because I don’t want to see anyone.

Sometimes I struggle with driving my son to nursery school. Not because he shouldn’t go, but because I might have to interact with people.

Sometimes I struggle with taking my baby for his checkups. Not because I think he doesn’t need them, but because they might ask me how I am.

Sometimes I struggle with being a good wife. Not because I don’t love my husband, but because I am already so frustrated with the rest of the day.

Sometimes I struggle with cooking dinner. Not because I’m not hungry, but because the kids probably won’t eat it anyways.

Sometimes I struggle with going to sleep. Not because I am not tired, but because the weight of the day plagues me.

Sometimes I get out of bed, get dressed, drive my son to school, do the grocery shopping, play with my kids, clean my house, work out, visit with my friends, take my son to nursery school, take my baby to his checkups, great my husband with a kiss, cook dinner, and have an early bedtime.

But sometimes I struggle.

January 31, 2018, is Bell Lets Talk day. For every applicable text, mobile and long distance call, tweet using #BellLetsTalk, Bell Let’s Talk Day video view on social media, use of the Bell Let’s Talk Facebook frame or Snapchat filter, Bell will donate 5¢ to Canadian mental health initiatives. Let’s work together to create a stigma-free Canada! But more than just today let us work towards a world where it is easier to talk every day. If you or someone you know needs help, please get it.

On January 25, 2017, Bell raised more than $6.1 Million Dollars in support of Mental Health Awareness.

This post originaly was written In January 2017.

Jan

2018

Everything you need to know to banish winter blues.

January. Despite the fact that it brings my birthday, the word itself almost makes me shiver. January statically is one of the most depressing months of the year. Deep in the middle of the winter. One of the coldest months we endure. At least here in Alberta anyways. If you get the winter blues you’re not alone.

Have you started to feel like nothing is going to get you out of bed in the mornings, and already planning tomorrow nap? Here are some ways to help to lift your spirits on those winter blues.

Let Some Light In

Winter brings shorter days and longer nights. Open the blinds and let some light in. Sit closer to the window to get an extra dose of sunlight. If that doesn’t work, consider a light box, an artificial sun, to give your body the sunlight it is craving.

Crank It Up

Ever just listen to a song and immediately feel your mood boost? It works in the winter too. Turn up some tunes, and maybe have a little dance party. Get a little of this and the next one all in one go.

Work It Out

You knew I was going to say that, didn’t you? Inside, outside, in a gym, or at home. Wherever, whenever you can get it in. It can give your body the boost that it needs to keep going.

Plan A Vacation

Even the simple act of planning a vacation can boost my spirits. Of course, actually taking the vacation helps, but even if you can go away; pick up some travel brochures and dream away.

Help Someone

Big or small helping someone makes you feel good about yourself and helps boost your mood.

Get Outside

Easier said than done, I know. Especially when the winter temperatures dip well below freezing. Stepping outside even for a brief walk can bring a new alertness, and focus on your day.

Doing even one of these can help. Make an effort to do one or more of these each and every day and with any luck, you’ll be moving away from Winter blues and into Spring showers sooner than you know. Do you have anything you do when you feel the winter blues coming on?